Post your best/worst/favorite jokes here!

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fatfretty
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re: Post your best/worst/favorite jokes here!

Postby fatfretty » Thu Aug 06, 2015 1:23 am

Ok I am going to try to tell this one in PG.

Tonto and the Lone ranger are riding on their way to Dodge. The lone ranger halts his horse and tells Tonto, to wait for him, he is going to go take care of business behind a nearby stand of Mesquite. After about a minute Tonto hears the his friend let out a terrible scream of agony. He runs around the trees, and sees the Lone Ranger lying on the ground both hands grasping a sensitive part of his anatomy. "Oh crap Tonto, a rattlesnake just bit my private part, ride into town and get a Doctor.
Tonto dutifully rides like the wind into the nearest town, finds a Dr. and tells him that his friend has been bitten by a rattlesnake, can he come and help. The Doctor who is in the middle of digging a bullet out of an unfortunate cowpoke, tells Tonto that he can't leave right now, but if Tonto will take his knife and make a couple of cuts on the bites, and suck the venom out, that will slow things down long enough for him to bring his friend into town, then maybe the Doc would be able to help him more. Tonto rides back to where the Lone Ranger is lying on the ground. He walks up to his friend and kneels next to him. The Lone Ranger looks up through bleary eyes and asks "What did the doctor say?" With a somber look and a heavy heart Tonto replies, "the Dr. said you're going to die Kimosabe!"

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re: Post your best/worst/favorite jokes here!

Postby Justus » Fri Aug 14, 2015 12:44 pm

Three of my favorites...

#1:

Two blond guys walk into a public library. The first guy whispers, "Whoa, check out the librarian." The second guy says, "Can we do that?"

#2:

What's Irish and sits on your back porch? Patio furniture.

#3

An older couple is sitting in church. The old man passes a note to his wife which reads: "I just passed a big, silent fart. What should I do?"

The old woman takes out a pen and writes back, "check the batteries in your hearing aids".

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re: Post your best/worst/favorite jokes here!

Postby truedog » Fri Aug 14, 2015 12:53 pm

Monica Lewinsky was recently interviewed and when asked what she thought about Hillary Clinton's candidacy for President she said, "I don't think I could take another Clinton Presidency. The first one left a bad taste in my mouth!"
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re: Post your best/worst/favorite jokes here!

Postby dach » Fri Aug 14, 2015 7:42 pm

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, or a serious personal injury, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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re: Post your best/worst/favorite jokes here!

Postby dach » Fri Aug 14, 2015 8:10 pm

Maybe not my favorite, but here is a joke I made up...
Budget cuts are forcing congressman into making cases for funding of their pet projects. One is pleading for the space program budget to be spared.
He tells the other members about the space race of the 60's and what a source of national pride it provided. Some members are yawning. He tells them a lot of technology wouldn't exist if there was no space program. More blank stares and papers shuffling.
He mentions household products like Tang, freeze dried foods, and baby food are among them. Some members are checking their phones for text messages now.
He get exasperated and tries again with greater gusto, but to no avail.
He senses ambivalence and is about to give up, so he blurts out "Many of you have benefited educationally from the program, as a matter of fact without the space program most of you wouldn't know a Black Hole from Uranus!"

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re: Post your best/worst/favorite jokes here!

Postby fatfretty » Sat Aug 29, 2015 1:06 am

Jesus, and Moses are playing golf. Moses wins the toss, tees off and does a great 250 yard drive right up the fairway. Jesus tees off, and tops the ball. It rolls about three feet, and a rabbit runs out of the rough and grabs the ball in its teeth and takes off running. It goes about 50 yards, and a huge eagle swoops down and grabs the rabbit. just as the eagle flies over the green where the first hole is, a bolt of lightning strikes it. The eagle goes up in a flash, drops the rabbit, and the rabbit hits the ground a few inches from the cup. When it lands, the ball comes out of its mouth and rolls right into the waiting cup.
Moses looks at Jesus and says, " Are you going to screw around like that all day, or are we going to play golf?"

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re: Post your best/worst/favorite jokes here!

Postby JAEZ » Wed Sep 02, 2015 5:42 am

One

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Wanted a

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He took Mrs Hershey behind the

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And gave her

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He filled her
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With pure
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He ran his
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down her
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Which sent her to
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She kicked her
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and called him you
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she chewed on his
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Like a
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Few month later
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was born...
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